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最終更新日 : 2012/01/29 (Sun) 09:41
最終更新日 : 2012/01/29 (Sun) 09:41
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There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels?!
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I\'ll waste no time reading it.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
I\'m Jewish. I don\'t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
When I die I\'m going to leave my body to science fiction.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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But at my back I always hear Time\'s winged chariot hurrying near.
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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
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Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
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To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
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Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Always go to other people\'s funerals, otherwise they won\'t come to yours.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
It\'s not that I\'m afraid to die, I just don\'t want to be there when it happens.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
It\'s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that\'s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other\'s children.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
But at my back I always hear Time\'s winged chariot hurrying near.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
Gigerenzer\'s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
It\'s not the size of the dog in the fight, it\'s the size of the fight in the dog.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don\'t need to be done.
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Maybe this world is another planet\'s Hell.
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We\'ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
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If you\'re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Don\'t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Everywhere I go I\'m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don\'t stifle enough of them.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Never test for an error condition you don\'t know how to handle.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
A physicist is an atom\'s way of knowing about atoms.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
I think \'Hail to the Chief\' has a nice ring to it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
It\'s clearly a budget. It\'s got a lot of numbers in it.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he\'ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
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I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Everybody\'s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there\'s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
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I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
Copy from one, it\'s plagiarism; copy from two, it\'s research.
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Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
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Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
I\'m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
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I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
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Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
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The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
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I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
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Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
Hanlon\'s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
It\'s not that I\'m afraid to die, I just don\'t want to be there when it happens.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don\'t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
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We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
If you\'re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
It\'s not the size of the dog in the fight, it\'s the size of the fight in the dog.
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
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Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
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最終更新日 : 2012/01/15/(Sun) 08:32
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